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Tuesday, December 2, 2014
I wanted to come up with some catchy title for this post, but I couldn’t. I’m kind of lacking on mental energy these days and that was, well, the best I could do.
So, how is it going? Some days are okay and some days, well, not so much. Let’s take yesterday as an example. The day actually started out pretty well. I woke up in little to no pain. That alone was great. I ran my old, usual ten miler and ran 78:43, which is still slow but gobs faster than what I’ve been able to manage lately. Plus, I felt okay running it. I was actually able to run on pavement, even downhill a little. I could look off to the side without having everything lock up or without losing coordination. My foot plant felt pretty close to normal. My legs were slow and my stride felt really short, but they felt like they were moving correctly. My waist was a little more flexible. My shoulders hung a little lower and my arm swing felt more generous. I was pretty happy when I finished.
In fact, I was happy enough that I decided an impromptu “Foy Bistro” luncheon with Juliette the kitty was in order downstairs in the little courtyard area where Juliette lives. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s a big courtyard and she has her own little sunroom with heater and everything a kitty could want. She had been slightly feral just a little too long for her to get free run of the house without supervision, lest we spend our days cleaning kitty pee off the walls, which I am not going to do. In her own little world, she does not feel the need to mark anything, so everyone is happy with the arrangement. She doesn’t run loose outside any longer and we have a safe and clean environment for her. She spends her days sleeping and eating and sleeping, so that’s about what she does anyway … oh and killing the occasional bird that decides to visit the courtyard (or the squirrel that might slip off the top wall and can’t get out – and then she had to leave that nice, dead surprise for me at the doorstep to the sunroom).
So, we decided to have Foy Bistro on a nice sunny day.
Juliette had to check for the bacon in the salad.
And, of course, she had to eat the bacon – I mean, it was bacon.
which, of course, was so much work that she had to spend the rest of the day chillin’ in the sun.
Foy Bistro turned into a total disaster for me. My blood sugar skyrocketed to the 500s no matter how much insulin I was taking. I started spilling ketones, lots of ketones, like darkest dark purple on the strip. And, the nausea. Then, the pain and locking up. And, of course, I was home alone … oh Juliette was there but she wasn’t much help.
I started downing the fluids, with electrolytes, adding more insulin … and wondering what the most insulin I ever took at one time might be … now I know. I finally went outside and started moving around, doing anything, carting mulch from one side of the yard to the other, moving a wood pile that I wasn’t happy with the location of, planting pansies and lilac and other flowers in a very sloppy manner that may have been as good as killing them – we’ll see.
By evening, after calls to the doctor’s office and talking to the greatest nurse ever for help, and all the things I could think of to avoid a repeat trip to the ER, my blood sugar came down under 200, the ketones cleared to a trace (which I can deal with), and the nausea began to clear up. I still ended up on pain meds and benzos and everything else, so I was pretty loopy by that night.
And, all the while, I kept thinking, how could things have gone South so fast? Well, for the rest of the time that I am on such a massive dose of prednisone in the morning, I will NOT be having Foy Bistro in the middle of the day. In fact, I will not be eating anything except a few nuts and sugar-free fluids between about 11 and 3 or so for the time being. We also rearranged when some meds were being taken.
Fast forward to today. Blood sugar nirvana: nothing over 100 (except probably right now since I had dinner, but that’s okay because I want to get on the elliptical and watch DVR’ed shows on HGTV). No ketones. I ran again today and felt good. I was a little slower than yesterday, but felt as good.
While eating dinner tonight with my husband, I looked at him and said that I wanted to tell him something but I wanted to be certain that he would not take it the wrong way and would not be frightened by what I was about to say. Okay …. he said really slowly. I am not a depressive individual. I’m not a suicidal person. But, I told him that I can completely understand why someone would decide to kill themselves over something like this. I have a great support network. I have knowledge about how to navigate the health care system (and even I fail at that sometimes, as evidenced by my three hours on the phone with various places today to no avail). I have some kind of spooky inner drive to keep going even when the wheels fall off. But, if I didn’t have those things … this would seem impossible, it would seem like the end, it would seem like a cruel, sad, lonely end. And, I would end it. He understood what I was telling him and said that he had actually thought something similar with all of this going on. He told me that for the first time in his life he could not only understand why some people might feel that it was their only choice, but also how they might feel relieved to make that choice. We both sat there for a little while just thinking about that.
Oh, don’t worry, I plan to be around fighting this damn thing. But, some days are harder than others. And some hard days are even harder for other people. I don’t have an answer for that … if that was even a question. But, I understand on a different level now. I’m not even really sure what to do with that information at this point. It was nice, though, to be able to share that with Bob and have him understand exactly what I was talking about. We both hope that this neurological condition will not progress as much for me … and there’s a good chance it will not, for a lot of good reasons. And, it seems like the medical therapy is working; I’m even beginning to improve now that we’re getting a few weeks into things.
I also told Bob tonight that I think I am solidly into the “why me” phase now; well actually maybe not WHY me, but “the “how me” phase. I mean, like really, how me? I’ve done everything right, haven’t I? I was one of the top athletes in the world, diabetes or not. How me?
So, I’ll get up early tomorrow and run, head for a doctor’s appointment, come back, and start grading finals. And, I’ll be happy that I’m a professor, that I’m a former pro athlete, that I have my little teeny office to sit in and grade finals and that life feels worth living for me. But, Foy Bistro may have to be just a cup of coffee for the time being.
Happy trails to all of you!